Self Improvement

This is not easy.

I have been back in LA for one week and I feel so different. I think I’ve lost that spark that I had in Chicago. I am not miserable, but it just doesn’t feel the same.

LA doesn’t have that special something that Chicago has, and I am not the same girl I was just a few weeks ago. Those 5 weeks in Chicago opened my eyes to a whole new world. They allowed me to come into my own. To explore, and to just be myself.

Am I making any sense?

I have had several moments where I have tried to tell myself this move is too much for me to handle. I have thought about whether or not I can make it work in LA. I have even tried to talk myself out of moving. To be honest with you, I am not past that point yet. I stop to think of the millions of people that live here. Surely someone in this city is happy. It isn’t all bad, but in the end it just isn’t for me. I do know that. But — I have my doubts. I have never had my own apartment in LA, and have wondered how that would be.

In the end, we all know that I am supposed to leave. If I was supposed to get a place in LA, I would have done that by now. That would have made more sense than moving 2k miles away, but that is what I ended up doing. I am not writing this to receive comments telling me that I have to go. I know that already. I {the girl that did not fly for 10+ years} picked up and move to Chicago for 5 weeks, and then put money down on an apartment. There is obviously a reason for that.

But even when all the green lights are on and all signs point to go, it is not easy.

When I have any doubts, I remember the happiness that I felt in Chicago. I remember how alive I felt when I walked the streets of that incredible city. I think about the wonderful people that I met. These new friends offered to help me with my apartment, discussed house warming parties, invited me to events, dinners, bars, to annual recipe exchange parties. How fun does that sound? I don’t think we have recipe exchange parties in LA.

I think about the fact that all these wonderful things happened after just 5 short weeks and I wonder how amazing things will be after 5 months or 5 years. When you know someone for a few weeks, you cannot possibly have a real friendship. I think you can start one, but friendships take time to develop. Not having close friends in Chicago is one of the hardest parts about moving there. No family, no friends, no connection. Voluntarily putting myself in this situation is something I have struggled with.

Sorry I am so all over the place. I am exhausted right now but need to get this out.

I wanted to write this because many of you have been so supportive, and I need to share what I have been feeling. This is a daily struggle. For all of you who said I was so strong, I am not as strong as you think I am. This can be crippling. It is an emotional roller coaster.

Yes, I love Chicago. I was happier than I had ever been. I felt so liberated, and truly enjoyed my time there. But it was very scary. It was also very surreal. I had so many moments where I looked out the window or walked down the street and couldn’t help but smile. There were also dozens of moments when I looked out the window and couldn’t believe that I was in Chicago by myself with thoughts of moving there. I still cannot believe that this is happening.

This move is a lot more permanent and a lot more real. I will be packing up all my things. Last time I was in Chicago I brought a few boxes and a two large suitcases. This time, I am bringing everything. I am ordering furniture and signing a lease. It all feels very official.

I really need to figure out if I should take the smaller less expensive {and non-dog friendly} apartment, or the slightly larger dog friendly apartment. This is so hard. One day I am sure it will be best to leave him here, and the next day I am convinced that my pup needs me.

Like I said. I am all. over. the. place.

I have had so many sweet and well meaning people tell me that they know exactly what I am going through. That when they moved with their husbands or with ______ that it was so hard for them. While I am sure it was not easy, I am doing this alone. I do not mean to say that moving with a husband isn’t hard, because I am sure it is. And this does not mean that I do not appreciate those comments, because I do. But moving 2000 miles away by yourself just isn’t the same. I feel like so few people can relate to what I am going through. It is the hardest thing I have ever faced.

While I am fairly certain that this is the right thing to do, it is something I am really struggling with. Yes, I am excited for this adventure. I am looking forward to making my new apartment my home. But {and I think I may have mentioned this 7,304 times} I am very scared.

As scary as this is, it is an adventure of a lifetime and I want to take it all in. This will forever change my life. It will shape the person I become. I will meet friends I never would have met, and will do things I never would have done. This is unique. It is bold. It is terrifying. It is amazing.

I just hope I can relax a little bit soon and find some peace in all of this.

And that’s enough rambling for now. Goodnight.