starting over. this is going to be a long one.

It is almost 3:oo am but I felt like I had to sit down and write. I know how to spell and try to compose sentences that make sense, but I cannot promise anything right now.

Moving halfway across country by yourself to a new city where you don’t know anyone isn’t easy. I didn’t expect easy. In fact, I expected that this would be really hard. I knew I’d be lonely. I knew I’d be really confused and wonder what I was doing. I knew I’d have moments where I thought to myself “how did I get here?” And I was right. I still have no idea how any of this happened.

I do know that I love Chicago. The people are wonderful, the buildings are beautiful, the snow is magical, and the city is alive. But being all alone 2,000 miles away from everything and everyone I know is very, very hard. This isn’t like going away to college. I am not in a dorm. I am not going to class every day. I am on my own in a city where everyone around me has their own circle of friends. Their own lives. Their own routines. And here I am, smack in the middle of it all.

I have met a handful of wonderful people. For three weeks in a new town, that’s not so bad. I grabbed lunch with a friend who took me to my sister’s friend’s place to get my things back {from the spirits}. I have lunch plans Thursday & Friday. I was just invited out for Saturday night by a girl that I met today.

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday plans. Big improvement from going to lunch last Saturday and spending the rest of the weekend by myself. But I know more of those weekends will occur. And I am ok with some alone time. But when you work at home, you can go days without any human interaction, and that isn’t good for you. A day or two can be nice. 3-4 days? Not great. While I can see being good friends with some of the people I have met, for now they are really great people that I am getting to know. Thankfully, I’ve had my lil’ kitten. He has been a good friend to me.

I know it will take some time to find my place, make friends, and form relationships with people. It will take time to have a life here, feel like I belong, and form a routine. Is this making me stronger? Absolutely. Am I enjoying how difficult this is? A little bit. As lonely as I may be, I am happier than I have been in a while. I do believe that if you struggle, you will end up happier in the end. Having everything handed to you doesn’t give you any time to long for something. As a result, I believe that you cannot really really appreciate all the little things.

I miss my people. I miss my cats.

I miss my pup.

I miss him so much. We video chatted tonight {with my sister} and I just wanted to cry. He did cry. And that broke my heart. The first time I saw him on video I cried too. I am going to plan a trip to LA some time this March or early April, and cannot wait to see him.

To completely disclose what was going on before I left, I feel like I should tell you {even though you may have figured it out} that J and I were seeing each other again before I left. It’s complicated and I just cannot go in to 7.5 years of a relationship, but there is so much there. I am not 100% sure of what we were or what we are, but we were and are definitely something. It feels as if we always will be. I just don’t know what any of it means right now. I do know that he’s in LA and I’m in Chicago. I know that I cannot go back to LA.

I was so unhappy the past few years. Even when I was happy I was unhappy. I am on this mission to be happy, and even though things are hard, I really am happy. Right now, I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. I know it is. I am scared, alone, confused, and happy.

Half the time, I still have no idea how I got here, how I’ll make it, or what I’m doing. But it’s all part of the adventure. Part of the journey. This past Monday marked 3 weeks in Chicago. That means that this coming Monday up will mark one month here.

As scary as this is, I am so glad that I did this. I don’t want to look back with any regrets. My mom has told me at least a few times that if she could go back and do it all over, she would have left LA. She said it again tonight. She always wanted to leave and never did. I was so afraid that I was going to be that girl, and am so glad that isn’t my story. I love that one day when I have a daughter {or son} I can tell her {or him} how I just picked up by myself {with the kitten, of course} and moved 2,000 miles away.

If there is something you have been wanting to do but you aren’t sure if you should, please go for it. Out of everyone I know, I would be the one person least likely to pick up and take off by themself, and here I am. Leaving LA was something I talked about for years. Sometimes you may need to step outside your tiny little box. As cheesy as this may sound, figure out what it is you want, and follow your dream. It will be scary but in the end, you will find your place. You might even end up happy.